she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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