Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
