that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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