??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
