My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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