omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
ttyl tear gas
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
