I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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