does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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