I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
