Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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