Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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