Apparently you make a good broom.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
