my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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