I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
