I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
True strength comes from lack of pants
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
