Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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