I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
