So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
