Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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