Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
