Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
