My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
