I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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