mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
