I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
