I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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