I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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