Betty ford says i'm here all night
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
