wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
