He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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