I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
