Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
