new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
