Too much gin, very little bucket
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
