After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
