She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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