explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
