he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
