i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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