I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
