i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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