umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
