I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
