you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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