I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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