I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
