I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
