they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
