youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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