sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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