well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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