5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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