I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
