Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
