Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
