Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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